Filipe guided healing session about emotions it's unsafe for me to feel
What emotion feels unsafe to express? Desiring success for myself brings up shame and fear of rejection.
Where do I feel it in my body? In the fascia of my right cheek and jaw, but more strongly in the fascia of the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. I felt it as a buzzing and endlessly lifting sensation that didn’t actually lift away.
When did I learn that? I learned that shame when I was very young. I’m trying to track back to my earliest memories but come to one in particular moment when I was six years old. Back then, I sometimes liked to put on a little play or song or dance to explain something I’d learned or something inspiring or meaningful that’d passed by in my or my family’s experience. When a favourite visitor was coming, I tried hard to think of a good play but floundered. I asked my mum for help. She was really annoyed with me because she was too busy to help and not at all inclined to anyway, and she also let me know that she didn’t want me to embarrass myself or anyone else.
What did I learn? I learned that to maintain my mum’s love and approval and protection, I’m suppressing my desire for my own success and flourishing. The realisation that the shame I feel when I desire anything for myself was learned by my very young self to protect myself from losing the safety and protection for my life brought such relief! It brought about a lightening and calming of the area of my abdominal fascia and all the tissue under it.
What does my six-year-old self want to tell me? It’s really hard to hear any response. Something is really difficult about this. Although I don’t say it to other people when my lack of success is pointed out, there is a part of me who doesn’t take full responsibility for myself and my lack of success. I think to myself, “I wasn’t well supported. I was discouraged and criticised.” Filipe shows me how this too, is protection: not being accountable for myself and my success keeps me safe from being accountable for my success, when my success was a growing source of scorn from my sister and mum. My mum was taken out of school when she was just 14 years old in order that she work to support her mother who was dying of cancer. She has very negative feelings and behaviours about the situation, especially colouring her experience is the emotion bitterness.
Feel especially grateful, warm and loving towards your young six-year-old Monica for learning how to keep you safe (from rejection) by suppressing your desires for something for yourself, your success: Yes! I agree whole-heartedly, it’s impressive how very young people learn from much more subtle cues than these what will keep them safe, and that the young mind preserves the knowledge until … CEB, Filipe in this case, arrives to help alter the dynamic.
Let your six-year-old Monica know that you (adult Monica) is here to take care of her now. She doesn’t need her mother’s protection anymore. Adult Monica will take care of her: Filipe talks me through this for some time, but again I find this very challenging. Young Monica doesn’t seem to be buying it. She wants to be convinced but isn’t. Why? Filipe asks young Monica. Young Monica responds with her doubts that adult Monica will remember this process of understanding, and practice it well. Filipe points out that young Monica adults have not been reliable to her. She is not convinced adult Monica will be able to do it. Adult Monica has tried so hard over the years to break the self-sabotage habits, but not succeeded. Young Monica wants to see success before she can believe it will happen. Of course, it can’t happen this way: finally, I (adult Monica) reason, “it’s true, I absolutely don’t need my mother’s protection or approval anymore. Indeed, I’ve been finally feeling safe since having not associated with her for some years now. I can certainly keep young Monica safe and will not reject her or her desire to succeed and flourish.
How do I feel? Pretty confident, content to do my work, strive quietly for what I’d like, without first asking for permission or approval.
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This discussion was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
Monica Raphael.
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This discussion was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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This is a beautiful share and I’m happy you took so much out of it! I’m going to pin it for a while as you really describe well the process of understanding and healing your emotions and I believe it can be helpful to others. Thanks 💙
Thank you Monica so much of your story resonates with me. At a really early age I learned that being the sweet quiet kid gives me a level of being tolerated in the family …. Later on being sweet smiley became a way of keeping the secret of sexual abuse so that there would be no unrest in the family. I realise that is part of what is keeping me stuck and keeping me from thriving. I want to look into re parenting more …. Your share has inspired me 🤲🏾❤️🦋
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