I yelled at my husband over my daughter’s challenges with changing schools
I yelled at my husband over my daughter’s challenges with transferring to a new school.
The self-compassion is to recognize that this is a fraught period with our daughter. We want her to be happy and the situation has made her struggle. That is very hard for me/us.
As I regulate, I can realize that I suppressed emotions of fear and sadness. My emotional database tells me that I am to blame for my daughter’s unhappiness. That if I were a better mother, I would have supported my children better during Covid, and she would have gotten a placement in a school of her choice. That trigger phase that I am supposed to be superhuman and solve anything makes me feel fear that if my daughter loses her bright future, it will have been my fault. I have to be faultless to be valid. In that emotional state, I am like a lunatic with an AR-15…watch out.
I did apologize to my husband. Once I exploded, I actually felt better. So part of my regulation is sometimes exploding. I have to work on a more nutritious, less junk-food way of regulating. One thing that I did realize once I had regulated, was that I had felt very alone in supporting my children the last two years. I shared with my husband that I wish he had been more vocal about his thoughts and feelings about the kids, and that he had been more connected with me around it. I know this still sounds like blame, but for me it’s more in the space of asking for what I really need, being in balance instead of denying my needs and then exploding. So in some ways, part of the emotional database for me, that I have to watch out for, is that I shouldn’t have needs.
My mother always said that I would bottle things up and then explode. She would say this whimsically, as if it were just part of my charm — things a mother understands and tolerates. Now with more understanding, I can be more in touch with my needs along the way. By not denying my needs, I can hopefully avoid or reduce the explosive episodes. Really, they are moments of desperation to be seen and heard. So I can just do that earlier in the process.
- 1 Reply
Claire, this was insightful and a great example. Thanks for sharing.
Log in to reply.