Is he angry with me?
What triggered it? Uncertainty about my partner’s feelings towards me – I felt he was angry with me because I took a while (half and hour) to get out of bed this morning). I’ve never seen him angry with me and I’m not sure if, when he feels angry with me he knows who to/feels safe to express the emotion.
How did I feel? I was keeping an eye on him to see if I could understand what was going on for him, and also so that I’d be ready to defend myself if I needed to – so I can see I was a little fearful [emotion fear: high energy-unpleasant].
How did I behave? I went into ‘being a very good girl,’ doing my utmost to be easy to be with, and supportive [automatic reaction]. I tried to think of a way we could be together in the mornings but have our respective ideal mornings, and finally came up with an idea to set my alarm 30 minutes before we have to get up so I can do some internal stuff in the comfort of bed before giving him a cuddle and getting up. I suggested it to him but he didn’t seem impressed. We had a fantastic day together tree planting in a team. We planted 3500 trees in 4.5 hours. Afterwards on our way home, I asked him about how he’d been feeling in the morning. On reflection I asked him the leading question, “were you angry with me this morning?” He said, “no. … No.” I asked him in a very light way and also let him know it would be ok for him to let me know if he was feeling angry. He said that he didn’t feel angry and was sorry I thought that. He said he was a bit stressed we wouldn’t make it on time to the tree planting.
What was the result? Me coming up with a plan to make our mornings together more workable, and then some nice communication between us about his feelings. I’m really still learning how to read him after more than a year together. He is very even tempered but I also think he keeps his emotions close to his chest.
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Thanks for sharing, Monica.
The part where you directly but kindly asked about his feelings was a mindful and constructive response, in my view. Remember: clear, direct, and transparent communication is an essential part of (building) a healthy relationship and means no one needs to be trying to guess the other’s feelings or walking on eggshells. It’s always important to communicate our feelings in a kind and transparent way and to ask for communication likewise.
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