Why it is hard to start setting boundaries?
A part of a recent discussion grew the idea to open this discussion to unite us on our journey. So I decided to share my thoughts and personal conclusions and invite you to share experiences and add strategies.
The remark was about other people ignoring and crossing boundaries, which generally can ‘trigger’ anger but is especially frustrating and demotivating for us that are currently learning to set boundaries.
We never learned to set boundaries, to claim room for us that others must not invade, be it physically or mentally. We did not learn it because nobody showed us or we learned that it is not safe (be it for our role models or ourselves).
So we had to realize that we need to do this at a later stage (which becomes more difficult the later we start), befriend the protectors that distracted us from the underlying emotions that could help us until we arrive at a point where we finally feel able to say “No”, “Stop” or “No, thank you.”
For us it is a big achievement what comes naturally for others …
So for me saying, No or Stop still feels like pushing away someone and a scent of bad consciense of being so selfish lingers in the back of my mind or a little fear of disappointing someone.
For me it was a great help to consider two parts:
A yes to someone else can be a yes to myself as well, which is the best case.
But if this yes is actually a no to myself or my needs, then I am already pushing ‘someone’ away or dissappoint him/her.
And as I am only accountable for my own emotions, it should be obvious whom not to push back.
(Given the awareness, the inner safety and the inner leader)
Another obstacle is our environment. Other people who generally don’t like change (=danger) and especially won’t like to hear a no where the former answer always was yes.
This makes their life extremely uncomfortable, don’t you think?
They might try to ignore boundaries, complain, frown or whatever reaction may come up. These are the people that don’t want us to change, want to hinder, draw us back. And I am not saying that they are doing this consciously or intentionally.
These are the people we might eventually lose on our evolution path if they don’t start reflecting.
But there are of course also people that accept a “no” or a “stop”.
People who have learned that a real request always offers two possible answers letting a real choice to the other part.
These people can help us develop further.
Okay, seems this idea had enough time to develop in the back of my mind, took quite a while to put it down.
I will share one of my early experiences to set boundaries after my burnout.
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This discussion was modified 1 year ago by
Martina P.
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This discussion was modified 1 year ago by
- 3 Replies
One part causing my burnout was working too much. I was testmanager then, responsible to define, plan, execute and report Integration and User Acceptance Tests of Software Development.
The general idea of testing is comparing the result of a defined input to a defined expected output or reaction. The task gets quite complicated if not impossible to accomplish when the definition of the expected result is missing. Overly accountable and responsible for the testcases I also investigated until I got the missing definitions.
When I started to set boundaries and just informing the responsible parts what I needed from them to do my work they first did not understand or accept that and kept pushing me for a testplan.
I was still low on ressources as I didn’t take a break long enough (claiming that I had just been close to a burnout) and so reacted rather sarcastically by explaining the project manager that I wouldn’t need more or different input than the developpers so that we all could work more efficiently towards the same targets. Pointing at the inability of the whole team to give reliable estimations.
She somehow then claimed that she enjoyed more working with the old Martina …
I have recently seen a quote that is so appropriate for this situation but as usual, I cannot find it when I need it. It was about, that when you start setting boundaries, people will start calling you selfish, crazy, difficult, rude because they benefited from you not having the boundaries. This is only a proof that boundary is needed. 🙏❤️
Hi Martina, thank you for taking up this discussion. It’s a great topic to reflect on.
Of your many great insights, this one is particularly precious to me: “But if this yes is actually a no to myself or my needs, then I am already pushing ‘someone’ away or disappointing him/her.”
I feel that this was the key for me to step into inner leadership, so thank you for the reminder.For me, there are two aspects that play a big role in boundaries: the part of me that looks for attachment and belonging, seeking external approval and validation, and most of all, avoiding conflict at all costs. The second is the result of this protective behavior—the lack of attention to my own needs and, before that, the capacity to even ask myself what I wanted. So it wasn’t only the other person looking for a yes, but me not questioning my right to say no.
I find it really wise what you said about us changing, creating the need for a change in the dynamic with the other person, and how change is “danger,” not only for us but for all human beings.
My changing has created changes in all my relationships—some people had the resources to adjust, and others didn’t, pushing back to try and make things go back to how they were. In many cases, as I began to save some of my resources for myself, it also meant the other person needing to use their resources in different ways, stepping up to take on responsibilities and tasks, but also emotionally, needing to take care of their own emotions.
Some of my relationships didn’t “survive” this need to find a new way of being together, while others have grown stronger and healthier.
I feel that while personal relationships allow more space to find our way back to each other and create new understanding, it’s more difficult in the workplace with external roles and expectations.
I worked for a publisher and always did tasks that weren’t part of my role, and eventually, stretching myself like that and ignoring my body and emotions caught up with me. When I started doing only what was included in my contract, I left an “empty space” in the structure of the office, and others had to fill it. It was a need to readjust for my boss, my colleagues, and me to find a new balance in the group dynamic.
Now I realize that while I was readjusting my inner world, I was asking my outer world to readjust too—and not everyone was ready.
I feel we are pathopeners for positive changes, but not everyone feels ready for them, and it can require time to find a new balance and keep it flexible to allow growth and more changes.
For me, it helps a lot to go on building the connection with my inner resources and take time daily to feel my emotions and help them return to regulation. It makes it easier to stay on top of my surfboard, using Valorie’s metaphor, when there are big outer waves.
Thank you for making me take the time to reflect ❤️
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